Dirty Little Secret
by animerockchic
Summary: Lovino's got a secret. Something he doesn't want anyone to know. But nothing stays secret for long. Rated for Lovino's mouth and self-harm. I write stories not summaries


**Hey all :) It's me again. Just before you read the fic, if anyone can catch either of the two references here and tell me what it's from, I will write a one-shot of your choice. (Here's a hint, one's from a film and one's from a Youtuber) **

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN ALL THE THINGS! :)  
**

Lovino dug his nails into the unblemished skin of his inner arm, just beneath the spidery web of blue and violet veins. He dragged the fingers down to the crook of his elbow, leaving a burning trail of white that quickly changed to red under his lightly tanned skin.

The sharp sting of pain faded fairly quickly but it lasted long enough for Lovino. He repeated the action across and along both arms. With every scrape, a voice seemed to whisper inside his head, "Loser. Failure. Weak. Pathetic. Not good enough. Feliciano's way better. Feliciano wouldn't cut himself or hurt himself."

Lovino bit the inside of his cheek, trying to block out the voice with more pain. _'And besides, I don't fucking cut. Way too mainstream.' _Lovino let out a humourless laugh.

"Fratello~! Hurry up! We need to go to meet everyone now!"

"Alright! Keep your fucking panties on!" Lovino tugged on a long-sleeved hoodie to cover the marks for the moment. That was the beauty of what he did, the marks faded after a couple of hours.

He hurried down the stairs to join his brother at the front door.

"Ve~ fratello? What's with the jumper? It's too warm, ve~!"

Lovino tugged his sleeve out of Feliciano's grasp.

"I'm cold! And it's a hoodie, dammit!"

"But, fratello..."

"Just fucking drop it, Feliciano!" Lovino snapped at his brother. Feliciano drew his hand back sharply; his normally dozy and half-closed eyes wide open in surprise. Lovino shoved his hands deep into his pockets and walked out the door, refusing to look back at his brother.

"Are we going or what, dammit?"

Feliciano hesitated; staring at Lovino's retreating back, and then hurried after him.

"So, who the hell's going to be there anyway?"

Feliciano seized the change of subject gratefully. "Ve~ Big Brother Tonio, Big Brother Francis and I think he's bringing Arthur, Kiku, Gilbert and Luddy~!"

Lovino rolled his eyes in irritation. "You invited the potato bastards? Why?"

At that Feliciano stared whining. "Lovi~! Why don't you like Luddy~?

"Because he's a fucking potato bastard! And don't avoid my fucking question!"

"I'll avoid yours if you avoid mine."

The two brothers continued to walk in awkward silence. Lovino found the silence both refreshing and unnerving. It took an awful lot to shut Feliciano up and even more to keep him quiet for long.

They reached the café where the others were waiting in near silence. Upon entering, Feliciano immediately perked up, dashing over to Ludwig and began chattering nineteen to the dozen. Lovino slid into the seat opposite Kiku, inwardly glad to see someone who didn't irritate the shit out of him. Although "irritate" was way too mild in reference to the potato bastard his little brother was currently draped over.

The door burst open once again, almost breaking the little bell on top.

"THE AWESOME HAS ARRIVED!"

Lovino let his head hit against the table with a loud thunk.

"Fuck."

Kiku smiled slightly and attempted to conceal it behind his hand. "Hai, I agree."

A pair of warm arms wound their way around Lovino's slumped shoulders. "Hola, mi tomate~."

"I'm not your fucking tomato and get off me. Now!"

Antonio slid into the seat next to Lovino and moved his arms so that one was casually wrapped around Lovino's shoulders.

"Ohonhonhonhon, making a move on your little Italian, Antoine?"

Lovino sat up straight and shoved Antonio's arm away. He turned and glared at Francis.

"What the fuck do you mean, 'your little Italian'? I'm nobody's fucking Italian. So go suck a dick, fuck-face."

Antonio wrapped his arms around Lovino's waist and nuzzled against his neck.

"Aw, Lovi~! Be nice to Fran-Fran!"

Lovino shoved Antonio's hands away irritably, his sleeves sliding down his arm slightly. "Fuck. Off."

Antonio took hold of Lovino arm and stared at his clothed wrist. Lovino tried to jerk it out of his grip, twitching as Antonio accidentally pressed on one of the still painful scratches.

"Tomato bastard, let go dammit!"

The others continued chatting, not paying much attention to the pair. Antonio stared closely at Lovino's arm and began to push the sleeve up. Lovino yanked his arm away and brought it close to his chest. Antonio stared at him, concern shining in his green eyes.

Lovino stood up suddenly and ran out of the café. He ran home as fast as he could, his heart pounding with more than exertion. He couldn't believe Antonio, of all people, now (more than likely) knew about his self-harm.

He pulled out his keys with shaking hands and fumbled with the lock. He hurried up the stairs, taking them two at a time and slammed his bedroom door behind him.

He sat down on his bed and dug his fingernails into his arm subconsciously. He pulled the hoodie off and stared at the streaks of red and crescent-shaped indents marking his arms. One of the indents had broken through the skin and was slowly oozing blood. The sight of it both terrified and fascinated him in equal measure. He placed his thumb in the cut and drew it across the inside of his arm, a thinning stream of blood trailing in its wake.

He froze and stared at his arm, only now seeing properly what he was doing. He shook his head violently in a mix of fear and disgust.

"What the hell am I doing? I need to stop. I _have _to stop." He swallowed thickly, trying to force down the lump that had risen like bile in his throat. "But I can't."

Lovino turned his head in surprise at the sound of something tapping against his window. He opened it and looked down to see Antonio clinging to the wooden trellis against the wall under his window.

"L-Lovi, I..." Antonio panted, smiling up at him. Lovino rolled his eyes and grabbed him by the wrists, pulling him up through the window, letting out long streams of curses.

Once Antonio was safely inside, Lovino punched him good and hard in the arm.

"What the hell made you think that was a good idea? You could have fallen and broken your fucking neck, idiot! N-not that I'd fucking care or anything."

Antonio paid no attention to what Lovino was saying and instead took his wrist in his hand and stared at his inner arm.

Lovino stood stock still, biting his lip. There was no going back now. Someone had found out the secret he had been so desperate to hide. He was royally screwed. He closed his eyes, expecting the whole "self-harm is bad, you are sick in the head. Let's send you somewhere to be cured" bullshit.

Instead Antonio began gently stroking the red and irritated skin, soothing it. He hesitated for a second then placed a feather-light kiss to the small cut that was already beginning to scab over.

At that, Lovino's defence mode activated. He jerked away from Antonio, his eyes flying wide open and backed away as quickly as possible.

"Go away! J-just fuck off and leave me alone!"

"Lovino."

Lovino's defensive anger weakened slightly. Antonio _never _called him by his full name. It was always "Lovi~" or some stupid, tomato-related nickname.

"Lovino, please. Stop hurting yourself."

Antonio's face looked like one of those dogs in canine shelter ads where the owner just drives off and leaves the poor animal to die and the dog just stares after them, heartbroken. It almost hurt to look at it. He took a step towards Lovino.

"Please Lovino. Don't hurt yourself anymore."

Lovino let out a humourless laugh.

"You think it's that fucking easy? I've tried. So many goddamn times. I just can't stop." Lovino voice cracked slightly. "You think I enjoy it? You think I like the pain?" Tear began rolling freely down Lovino's cheeks. "I hate it. I hate it so fucking much. I hate feeling the urge to do it when something goes wrong! I hate not being able to control myself! I hate being such a goddamn screw up all the fucking time! I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!" His fingernails instinctively buried themselves into the flesh of his arm.

"I...I hate...being me." Lovino's voice trailed off into a whisper.

Antonio crossed the room and gathered Lovino up into his arms. Lovino began sobbing wholeheartedly into Antonio's chest, clinging to him as though he were the only thing tethering him to a shaky reality. Antonio stroked his hair tenderly, whispering a mantra of "Lovi, Lovi, Lovi", making it sound almost like a prayer.

Lovino's sobs gradually died away, leaving only a feeling of supreme exhaustion behind. Antonio pressed a comforting kiss to the top of Lovino's head.

"Lovi, let me help you. You don't have to do this alone. I want to help make my little tomate to be free and happy. You hurting yourself, it hurts me too. I care about you too much to see you hurt." He scribbled numbers on the back of Lovino's hand with a convenient Sharpie.

"Call me if you want to hurt yourself again. It doesn't matter when it is, talk to me. We'll take it really slow, one little baby step at a time. But we will beat this. Together. You don't have to be alone anymore, mi tomate."

There was a long pause as Lovino silently kept his head safely hidden in Antonio's chest. Antonio thought he could feel Lovino's mouth quirk upwards slightly.

"...You know you're still a bastard, right?"

Antonio held him closer and smiled.

"I know."

**A/n: Self-harm isn't always cutting. Hitting yourself, tearing out hair or eyelashes, biting yourself, putting yourself in harm's way on purpose, drug abuse, reckless driving are all forms of self-harm. And take it from someone who knows, it's incredibly hard to stop. Ever since I was 11, I've done what Lovino did in the fic (and I'd also slap myself, bite my hands and punch myself in the stomach) and for over five years, I've tried to stop myself. I'd go a couple of months without doing it, then I'd almost subconsciously start again. It's almost like an addiction. It scares me so much. It's not attention-seeking and it doesn't go away by itself. If you do self-harm, you need to talk to someone you trust. (You can even talk to me if really want) But remember that you're not alone. There are Antonio's in this world. You just need to look. (That's what I'm doing.)**

**Ja!**

**-Animerockchic  
**


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